Getting There - (Living with Depression)

Hi everyone, I'm still foundering, I'm still grieving, I still cry and have many bad days.  But this past week has been ever so slightly better, I think that's partly down to finally writing all my thoughts down on paper (well in a blog post), maybe it helped a little.

I've really been trying to listen to music again here and there, nothing too much. The thought of something making me smile or feeling better through singing still makes me feel too guilty, I don't really understand why!

And I've been really trying to concentrate on things that keep my mind busy, like unpacking and sorting out my bedroom (which is still a long way from being functional, I still don't own a mattress!!)  And working on some new projects which I'm looking forward to sharing with you all (more on that in my next post).

There's a few things I'm looking forward to as the year progresses but that all seems a long way off and fought with stress and problems along the way!

At the this moment, I'm just so grateful for the handful of people in my life who have really been there for me on my worst days and all other days checking up on me, it's made a world of difference.  So thank you (you know who you are)!

All I can really say to end this post is, I know I will still have days when I wish I could go back to sleep and not have to deal with life, or days when I just can't 'human'.  But I am trying :-)

Until Next Time . . . ♥

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Struggling with Dark Times

Sitting here watching the snow falling down from a very dark sky, I can relate as everything in my own life seems to be falling apart these days and I'm struggling to find any light in this dark time.

3 months ago we lost a very precious member of our family, our little toy poodle Katie, 10 weeks later, we lost her best friend, our other precious baby Tilly.

I lost a big piece of my heart when they left us, there's not a day go by that I don't cry for them.  Some might say 'oh it's just a pet, just a dog', no, they were my babies I loved them like children and some days they were the only things that made me smile, now I just feel broken.

Having to deal with such a huge loss, as well as a multitude of other stresses (see my last post for a main one) has left me feeling so deflated and empty, I truly feel like I'll never be happy again.  But I've felt this way for a long time, I can't honestly even remember what happiness feels like it's been so long, many years, and now it's slipped even further away.  I used to love to sing, it was my escape but I've not felt like singing for nearly a year, I can't even listen to music anymore!  All my efforts to 'cheer myself up' fall short, positive plans get pushed aside when I get up late yet again or my health condition takes over and I feel too ill to move out the chair!  Things I look forward to or hope will happen get cancelled and it just adds to the gloom.  And regular panic attacks and constantly feeling like I want to cry seems to be the only emotions I have now.

This year was supposed to be a fresh start in many ways, but so far nothing and so I just feel stuck, going nowhere, waiting on other things before I can progress.  I feel lost.  I've even got to 'that' point a few times where I've thought I can't do this anymore, I want out and nearly did something 'stupid'.  But I guess there's still a part of me somewhere, that wants to cling on, and hope.

If you made this far, thank you and I'm sorry if this brought anyone down but this is just how I feel right now.  I love to write all the usual 'blogger' stuff but that's not always real life, sadly for me at the moment, this is and I don't want to be the kind of person who just plants a fake smile on and keeps all the pain hidden away, because if there's one thing I've learnt, it's if you don't talk about your feelings they fester and it can just make everything worse.

For those of you sticking with me, thank you and I promise my next post will be a bit more cheerful ♥

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