Tuesday 29 January 2019

Struggling with Dark Times

Sitting here watching the snow falling down from a very dark sky, I can relate as everything in my own life seems to be falling apart these days and I'm struggling to find any light in this dark time.

3 months ago we lost a very precious member of our family, our little toy poodle Katie, 10 weeks later, we lost her best friend, our other precious baby Tilly.

I lost a big piece of my heart when they left us, there's not a day go by that I don't cry for them.  Some might say 'oh it's just a pet, just a dog', no, they were my babies I loved them like children and some days they were the only things that made me smile, now I just feel broken.

Having to deal with such a huge loss, as well as a multitude of other stresses (see my last post for a main one) has left me feeling so deflated and empty, I truly feel like I'll never be happy again.  But I've felt this way for a long time, I can't honestly even remember what happiness feels like it's been so long, many years, and now it's slipped even further away.  I used to love to sing, it was my escape but I've not felt like singing for nearly a year, I can't even listen to music anymore!  All my efforts to 'cheer myself up' fall short, positive plans get pushed aside when I get up late yet again or my health condition takes over and I feel too ill to move out the chair!  Things I look forward to or hope will happen get cancelled and it just adds to the gloom.  And regular panic attacks and constantly feeling like I want to cry seems to be the only emotions I have now.

This year was supposed to be a fresh start in many ways, but so far nothing and so I just feel stuck, going nowhere, waiting on other things before I can progress.  I feel lost.  I've even got to 'that' point a few times where I've thought I can't do this anymore, I want out and nearly did something 'stupid'.  But I guess there's still a part of me somewhere, that wants to cling on, and hope.
If you made this far, thank you and I'm sorry if this brought anyone down but this is just how I feel right now.  I love to write all the usual 'blogger' stuff but that's not always real life, sadly for me at the moment, this is and I don't want to be the kind of person who just plants a fake smile on and keeps all the pain hidden away, because if there's one thing I've learnt, it's if you don't talk about your feelings they fester and it can just make everything worse.

For those of you sticking with me, thank you and I promise my next post will be a bit more cheerful

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Friday 18 January 2019

Living with Abuse & Getting Help

Hi today I want to talk about something I've never really spoke about online before, what it's like living with an abusive family member, my father.
I won't go in to too many details but, I will say it's been going on for a very long time, it's never been sexual abuse, but it has been physical and it's always mental.  Some days are easier than other and there's very rare times when things are good.  But on a daily basis, life is hard.

Today it was a bad day and I got to a point where I thought if I don't talk to someone right now, I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the day.  I'd heard online about a text service called Young Minds, you text 85258 (uk) and you can talk to a trained councillor, for free!  Today it was just what I needed, it made things so much better knowing there was someone there to listen, and they gave me some good advice too.  Sometimes just talking to someone can help ease the weight of the world and the black cloud that hangs over you.

I will write more about this if anyone would like me to.  It's not the type of post I was hoping to upload for the start of the year but I do want to make my posts more personal and less generic than they used to be.  I hope this helps someone out there who might need a friendly ear and if you want to ask anything or would like to talk, just add a comment and I'll message you.

I also just wanted to share a few of my favourite quotes that help me on a bad day, I hope they help you too.

Stay Strong

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