Sitting here watching the snow falling down from
a very dark sky, I can relate as everything in my own life seems to be falling
apart these days and I'm struggling to find any light in this dark time.
3 months ago we lost a very precious member of our
family, our little toy poodle Katie, 10 weeks later, we lost her best friend,
our other precious baby Tilly.
I lost a big piece of my heart when they left
us, there's not a day go by that I don't cry for them. Some might say 'oh it's just a pet, just a
dog', no, they were my babies I loved them like children and some days they
were the only things that made me smile, now I just feel broken.
Having to deal with such a huge loss, as well as
a multitude of other stresses (see my last post for a main one) has left me feeling
so deflated and empty, I truly feel like I'll never be happy again. But I've felt this way for a long time, I
can't honestly even remember what happiness feels like it's been so long, many
years, and now it's slipped even further away. I used to love to sing, it was my escape but
I've not felt like singing for nearly a year, I can't even listen to music
anymore! All my efforts to 'cheer myself
up' fall short, positive plans get pushed aside when I get up late yet again or
my health condition takes over and I feel too ill to move out the chair! Things I look forward to or hope will happen
get cancelled and it just adds to the gloom.
And regular panic attacks and constantly feeling like I want to cry
seems to be the only emotions I have now.
This year was supposed to be a fresh start in
many ways, but so far nothing and so I just feel stuck, going nowhere, waiting
on other things before I can progress. I
feel lost. I've even got to 'that' point
a few times where I've thought I can't do this anymore, I want out and nearly
did something 'stupid'. But I guess
there's still a part of me somewhere, that wants to cling on, and hope.
If you made this far, thank you and I'm sorry if
this brought anyone down but this is just how I feel right now. I love to write all the usual 'blogger' stuff
but that's not always real life, sadly for me at the moment, this is and I
don't want to be the kind of person who just plants a fake smile on and keeps
all the pain hidden away, because if there's one thing I've learnt, it's if you
don't talk about your feelings they fester and it can just make everything
worse.
For those of you sticking with me, thank you and
I promise my next post will be a bit more cheerful ♥
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