Sunday, 3 March 2019

Motherhood is Exhausting - First Week of Having a Puppy

Hi everyone, well if you haven't read my last post already, we have a new 9 week old puppy and considering the fact that we have not had a puppy in my family for around 30 years (due to only having rescued Poodles), having one now has been a bit of a shock to the system!  It's only been 5 days so far and already I feel like I've been hit by a bus.  I don't have actual human children (as of yet) but I very much feel there are a lot of similarities.  For instance -

* Instead of changing nappies - I have pee pads and I'm constantly washing puddles on the floor.
* Instead of waking up to a screaming baby - I wake up to a very loud crying fur-baby!
* Most new mums seem to look a total mess and say they have no time for themselves - I can't even remember the last time I washed my hair, I get so warn out by early evening that the first time she finally takes a good nap, I have to do the same.  Eating anything has become a treat, I'm now used to drinking cold tea and getting any form of work done feels like a far distant dream!
* You long for that minute they get tired out and finally fall asleep - I literally use all my energy reserves to wear her out from playing, just so I can have 10 minutes of peace before the chaos returns!
* You start worrying about them the second you bring them home, is she breathing ok, is she eating enough, why is she scratching!!!
* Getting woken up super early with hardly any sleep - yep, my fur-baby seems to wake up every two hours, without fail.
* Therefore being so tired and exhausted you can barely function and you just want to huddle up in a corning and cry - yep constantly!
* Being covered in mushy food - how does one little dog make so much mess!!
* Constantly tripping over and having to tidying up toys that are strewn all over the floor - again yep!
* You don't want to hurt their feelings or upset them by having to discipline them but at the same time you're about ready to tear your hair out because they just won't take a single bit of notice of anything you say - what can I say, I try but looking at that adorable little face makes it very hard to tell her off.
* You begin to doubt yourself in every way and feel you're the worst parent ever and you wonder how you're ever going to cope - trust me, this feels just the same, I feel like this all the time.
* You wonder if you will ever see the outside world again or you'll be covered in wee, pooh and mashed up food forever more!!
* Having the patience of a saint - have any of you actually ever had to potty train a puppy?  Oh dear god!!
* Do they even make scratch mitts for puppies, because someone needs to!
* And as for those baby teeth, they're like built in needles, I have so many cuts on my fingers, my thumbs, my ankles, I'm like a walking sieve!

They say the 'puppy stage' last for up to 4-6 months, so this may be the last blog post from me . . . I may be dead by then, bid me a fond farewell :-(

Seriously, I am shattered, I knew it was going to be hard work but Oh boy!  Challenging, exhausting, knackering, emotional doesn't even cover it.  But even then, when I look down at her when she's fast asleep looking so innocent butter wouldn't melt, she melts my heart!  I cuddle her in my arms and I just feel overwhelmed with love, just like any other new mum because despite the chaos, she's my little baby.

For daily updates, photos and videos of little miss Heidi-Kate, please go follow her Instagram account.  And until next time, (if I manage to survive this puppy phase), Stay Happy
*(P.S. Some of you may laugh or think it's stupid, comparing having a dog to a baby but I honestly feel just because I didn't give birth to her, she is still a new tiny 9 week old living being I need to look after and love, and with that has come a lot of tiredness, emotion and stress, especially with me having bad health, so I feel there is a strong resemblance.  So please keep that in mind, thank you.)

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Monday, 25 February 2019

A New Addition

Hi everyone, little life update for you today.  After the terrible loss off both our little girls at the end of last year, my family and I realised that after over 40 years of having Poodles in our lives, we just couldn't be without one.  We missed the cuddles, the play times and the company and we missed giving a loving home to a beautiful little fluff-ball.  We also felt that after many years of having older dogs and the worry and stress of their health getting bad, that we needed to smile again, we needed someone to come in and help take the dark clouds away and bring some fun back in our lives.  So . . .

Back on the 31st of December, a tiny little apricot girl was born and we knew straight away she had to be ours.  We've been getting regular updates and photos about her and on Monday the 11th of February we got to meet her.  As soon as she was handed to me, I cried, it was just so wonderful to be holding a little dog again.  She kept licking me and wagging her tiny little tail too, basically she's absolutely perfect and still so tiny :-)

After a very long time of trying to agree on a name, we have decide on Heidi-Kate and today, on Monday the 25th of Feb when we finally get to bring her home, she will be exactly 8 weeks old.

I'm keeping this post reasonably short as it's just a quick one to tell you the news, but I will be doing many more updates and another post shortly to introduce you properly, (a video at some point too).  In the mean time, if you would like to see the photos I have so far and keep up with her progress, I have created an Instagram account for her called Heidi's Poodle Adventures where I will be uploading a new photo/video every day.  I mean seriously, I think I might just overload my phone with the amount of photos I'll be taking of this adorable little bundle, I've already had to clear a tone of stuff off my phone lol :-)
So until next time, Stay Happy

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Sunday, 10 February 2019

Getting There - (Living with Depression)

Hi everyone, I'm still foundering, I'm still grieving, I still cry and have many bad days.  But this past week has been ever so slightly better, I think that's partly down to finally writing all my thoughts down on paper (well in a blog post), maybe it helped a little.

I've really been trying to listen to music again here and there, nothing too much. The thought of something making me smile or feeling better through singing still makes me feel too guilty, I don't really understand why!

And I've been really trying to concentrate on things that keep my mind busy, like unpacking and sorting out my bedroom (which is still a long way from being functional, I still don't own a mattress!!)  And working on some new projects which I'm looking forward to sharing with you all (more on that in my next post).

There's a few things I'm looking forward to as the year progresses but that all seems a long way off and fought with stress and problems along the way!

At the this moment, I'm just so grateful for the handful of people in my life who have really been there for me on my worst days and all other days checking up on me, it's made a world of difference.  So thank you (you know who you are)!

All I can really say to end this post is, I know I will still have days when I wish I could go back to sleep and not have to deal with life, or days when I just can't 'human'.  But I am trying :-)
Until Next Time . . .

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Tuesday, 29 January 2019

Struggling with Dark Times

Sitting here watching the snow falling down from a very dark sky, I can relate as everything in my own life seems to be falling apart these days and I'm struggling to find any light in this dark time.

3 months ago we lost a very precious member of our family, our little toy poodle Katie, 10 weeks later, we lost her best friend, our other precious baby Tilly.

I lost a big piece of my heart when they left us, there's not a day go by that I don't cry for them.  Some might say 'oh it's just a pet, just a dog', no, they were my babies I loved them like children and some days they were the only things that made me smile, now I just feel broken.

Having to deal with such a huge loss, as well as a multitude of other stresses (see my last post for a main one) has left me feeling so deflated and empty, I truly feel like I'll never be happy again.  But I've felt this way for a long time, I can't honestly even remember what happiness feels like it's been so long, many years, and now it's slipped even further away.  I used to love to sing, it was my escape but I've not felt like singing for nearly a year, I can't even listen to music anymore!  All my efforts to 'cheer myself up' fall short, positive plans get pushed aside when I get up late yet again or my health condition takes over and I feel too ill to move out the chair!  Things I look forward to or hope will happen get cancelled and it just adds to the gloom.  And regular panic attacks and constantly feeling like I want to cry seems to be the only emotions I have now.

This year was supposed to be a fresh start in many ways, but so far nothing and so I just feel stuck, going nowhere, waiting on other things before I can progress.  I feel lost.  I've even got to 'that' point a few times where I've thought I can't do this anymore, I want out and nearly did something 'stupid'.  But I guess there's still a part of me somewhere, that wants to cling on, and hope.
If you made this far, thank you and I'm sorry if this brought anyone down but this is just how I feel right now.  I love to write all the usual 'blogger' stuff but that's not always real life, sadly for me at the moment, this is and I don't want to be the kind of person who just plants a fake smile on and keeps all the pain hidden away, because if there's one thing I've learnt, it's if you don't talk about your feelings they fester and it can just make everything worse.

For those of you sticking with me, thank you and I promise my next post will be a bit more cheerful

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Friday, 18 January 2019

Living with Abuse & Getting Help

Hi today I want to talk about something I've never really spoke about online before, what it's like living with an abusive family member, my father.
I won't go in to too many details but, I will say it's been going on for a very long time, it's never been sexual abuse, but it has been physical and it's always mental.  Some days are easier than other and there's very rare times when things are good.  But on a daily basis, life is hard.

Today it was a bad day and I got to a point where I thought if I don't talk to someone right now, I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the day.  I'd heard online about a text service called Young Minds, you text 85258 (uk) and you can talk to a trained councillor, for free!  Today it was just what I needed, it made things so much better knowing there was someone there to listen, and they gave me some good advice too.  Sometimes just talking to someone can help ease the weight of the world and the black cloud that hangs over you.

I will write more about this if anyone would like me to.  It's not the type of post I was hoping to upload for the start of the year but I do want to make my posts more personal and less generic than they used to be.  I hope this helps someone out there who might need a friendly ear and if you want to ask anything or would like to talk, just add a comment and I'll message you.

I also just wanted to share a few of my favourite quotes that help me on a bad day, I hope they help you too.

Stay Strong

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